Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
