I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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