i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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