Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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