i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
