he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
