sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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