The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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