the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
