wanna go halves on a baby?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
