awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
