I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
