he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
