Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
