Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
porn star boner night. come get it.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
