So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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