His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
3 2 1 whiskey
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
