I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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