Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
