i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
