Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
