Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
