I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
