I think scott just propositioned me for sex
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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