"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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