News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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