btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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