Don't make out with my wife yet
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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