Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
