Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
