So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
