he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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