apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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