I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Success! We fucked roommates!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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