I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
