Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
