She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
