If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
