I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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