I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
