So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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