Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
someone owes me an orgasm
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
