And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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