You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
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Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize