I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Operation Purity has been aborted
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
