If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Randomize
