i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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