My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Houston, we have a blender
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
