Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
