Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
