so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
