Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
