i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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