just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
