saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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