i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
