Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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