I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
