im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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