she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
