i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
