You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
We smell like vodka and hangover
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