I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
