I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
