i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
